Don't Spike The Cook's Drink
by Konstantinsen
Summary: Ren was always the calm one in the group. But he was also human and vulnerable to many weaknesses. Such as intoxication. As Ruby, Jaune, and Nora were about to find out. [one-shot]


Clink. Clank. Crash.

Ruby bolted awake on her bed. She looked around in the dim discount room she shared with the rest of team RNJR until she met Jaune's equally perplexed and alarmed gaze. The two communicated silently and slipped out of the covers. Unsurprisingly, Nora remained the heavy sleeper, her loud snoring contesting with the noise that woke them both up. Strangely, Ren's bed was empty. More ruffled than neatly folded to be precise.

Then the worst came to mind.

Snatching their weapons, Ruby and Jaune bolted into the kitchen that came attached to their rented quarters. Instead of Ren subduing some burglar, it was...Ren subduing himself. Or something along those lines. It was hard to see in the dark.

Jaune flipped on the light switch.

And the two were treated to their teammate Lie Ren...in nothing but an apron. His stance was slouched with his bare posterior in full view.

"Son of a ditch!" Ruby cried.

That apparently got his attention. Because Ren did the most pathetic turnabout unbefitting of his normally graceful character. In his hands was an empty glass and a blender filled with...something that was most definitely not the herbal smoothies he normally brewed. Also, he was staggering, his hair was a mess, and his eyes were bloodshot.

"Ren! What's going on?" Jaune asked only to recoil from the odor. "For crying out loud, buddy! Are you...are you drunk?"

"Everythin'sh fi~ine, Jaune," Ren slurred.

Had it not been for his apron, Ruby would have been treated to a sight that she never wanted to see. And she never did entertain any curiosity because Nora would break her legs. Speaking of Nora... "We should probably wake Nora up."

"Yeah, we should."

Before the two could slip out the door, Ren bolted forward and tackled them, spilling his concoction over their three tangled bodies. Jaune screamed, Ruby shrieked. Meanwhile, their drunken cook impressively got to his feet...sans apron. And Jaune planted his hands in front of Ruby's eyes to shield her from his brother-from-another-mother's snake.

He himself had never seen it before. In fact, now that he had three seconds to process the sight, he felt a little inferior.

"Seriously, Jaune?" Ruby whined under him. "It's not like I haven't seen yours already—"

"You've _seen_ mine!?"

"I'm sixteen, not twelve! And it was an accident, I swear!"

His fingers slacked over her face just enough for her to pry them off. "... You actually saw...my...?"

Ruby rolled her eyes. "I'm sixteen, not twelve. I know things already. Besides, don't feel too bad about it."

"Don't evaluate my manhood, Rubes!"

"I agree!" Ren slurred, pointing a wobbly thumb at the blonde's crotch. "He'sh proud of hish—"

"Ren, shut up."

"Ugh... What's all that racket?" Nora finally groused. "Can't anyone get some sleep around here?"

"Uh, Nora, we have a problem—"

Ren pushed past them into their bedroom in all his intoxicated glory. "Nor~ra! You can't come"—hiccup—"in here..." Burp. "Excushe me~"

"Renny? What are..." The Valkyrie stopped. Her drowsiness suddenly disappeared as evidenced by how wide her eyes became.

Ruby and Jaune leveled their ginger hammer-wielder with terrified curiosity. Both of them could hear an outdated computer system whirring in Nora's brain until something sparked and, induced by their lack of sleep, a trail of smoke began to filter through her ears. Bathed in the light pouring from the kitchen, they could see... Something inside Nora clicked.

"... Oh. My. Gosh. Ren," she worded.

"Nora," Ren mumbled, edging closer, completely oblivious to his freedom. "Y'should go back to shleep."

Nora suddenly grabbed his hand, threw him onto her bed, and promptly ushered (kicked) the other two members of team RNJR out the door. Before Jaune and Ruby could comprehend what had happened, they could hear the unmistakeable staccato of bed springs filtering through the door that had been slammed into their faces.

Burning red in the cheeks, the two stepped back and stared at the wall. After a while of listening to the strangely not-so-uncomfortable sound, Ruby asked, "So, uh, they won't be letting us in 'til morning."

Jaune blinked. "Yep."

"All the other rooms are locked. Or taken."

"Yep."

"We're going to have to sleep out here."

"Yep."

"We can't afford another room."

"Nope."

The awkward evening serenity was momentarily shattered by what sounded like a bed crashing resonated through the varnished oak. Ruby and Jaune winced at the projected cost of having to pay for broken furniture. It was quiet for half a minute before another bed started squeaking.

"..."

"..."

"It's cold out here."

"Yeah, I'm freezing."

"..."

"We both smell like Ren's drink."

"Yeah."

"I feel sticky."

"Me too."

Ruby looked up at Jaune and he down at her. You know what? Screw it.

"... You want to...y'know..."

"... Yeah. Why not..."

* * *

Come morning, Ruby and Jaune were woken up by the innkeeper. It was rough having to sleep on the cold hard floor outside of their room. Apparently, they had also been spooning. Hard. Not to mention, they were very sticky. And smelly. And Ruby was very flushed after she realized that whatever it was that was poking her backside wasn't a belt buckle. Jaune was inwardly panicking too much to apologize for it.

It was bit of a struggle to unlatch from each other. Awkwardness gave way to sheer embarrassment with the owner shaking his head as he unlocked the door to their room. Strangely, he was chipper after they all walked into a mess that would have given him a heart attack. What had once been a simple four-person lodging space was now a battleground.

An even more peculiar breakfast later, team RNJR filtered out onto the streets to continue on their journey. Meanwhile, the innkeeper went to print the photos from his scroll of the young couple spooning. He later hung up the framed portrait on the wall downstairs by the bar alongside a hundred other incriminating pictures of previous clientele.

* * *

 **ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: October 28, 2018**

 **LAST EDITED: November 18, 2018**

 **INITIALLY UPLOADED: November 18, 2018**

 **NOTE: I was in the bathroom when this idea popped up in my head.**


End file.
